7/30 Don’t be thinkin that I don’t want you, lady I do.

7/29 Daily memory

Driving down 99 in your beautiful Mercedes coupe with the windows down, listening to Justin Timberlake, eyes fixed on you.

Driving down 99 in my crappy Volvo station wagon with the “Learning to drive a stick, please be nice!” sign in the back, windows down, listening to Justin Timberlake, eyes fixed on you.

Driving up Sutter Street in San Francisco in a pristine white Mustang convertible with the top down, listening to Justin Timberlake, eyes fixed on you.

7/27 Why I love Miranda July

I don’t understand her most of the time. To be honest, I’ve never “gotten” a single thing ever produced by Miranda July. Regardless of these and other facts, I absolutely love her.

I love her because when I do see something Miranda July has produced, I get happy. I get happy because at one point they were just amusing ideas in her head, but she took the initiative to bring them to fruition. Her ideas are 3D, they’re tangible. They may not make sense to the utterly-unhip among us, they may not make sense at all, they may be really simple and I’m just over thinking everything, but at least she can stand next to something that was, at some junction in time, a blurry concept in her head. A passing joke. A quip.

In this way, I think Miranda July was one of the first on the scene in terms of homemade humor. Now YouTubers are making six figures for putting their blurry concepts, passing jokes, and stupid quips online.

So, thanks, Miranda. We’ve never met but I consider you a friend and inspiration. Create create!

Cheers.

7/22 Daily memory

“You dont love me. You think I’m a joke and you use me for sex and the occasional emotional crutch.”

This is one of the blurriest memories I have; it ranks in the Top 10 Things That Most Hurt My Heart Ever.

7/20 Daily Memories

Taking a page from my boyfriend’s book, I thought I’d post a daily memory every now and then.

Todays: Riding around in Rita-dude’s red car listening to a cassette tape of “What’s Love Got to Do With It” by Tina Turner. It was my faaaavorite song, and I made her play it all the time. I couldn’t have been more than 5, but I was probably closer to 4. Anyway, I always smile and hum along whenever it comes on.

7/17 Home is where the heart is

It’s one of the most overused cliches in the English language. It’s needle-pointed into tiny pillows adorning grandmothers houses, stitched into blankets and doilies that are later framed, repeated time after time after time in conversation, you’ve heard it before: “Home is where the heart is.” What this cliche doesn’t leave room for, though, is the instances where your heart has seceded from the rest of you, taking up residence somewhere else. The cliche leaves no room for that scenario or how much it hurts the fragmented body when that happens.

It’s July 17th. I am moving back to my hometown in 25 days. In that time, I have three classes to finish (already finished two — can I get a what-what!!! for 22 credits this summer?!), lunches/dinners/ice creams to get with my Portland friends, about two months worth of laundry to do, an apartment to pack up, and two and a half years worth of reflection to chew through. It wouldn’t seem like so much, but my heart isn’t in it. My heart isn’t even in me! It’s up here, in my hometown, just chillin’ with my boyfriends. Probably getting Jones Soda, or Pave bread, or a sandwich at Sisters, or just laying out in the sunshine on the Jetty. Wherever it is, it ain’t with me. Not when I’m in Portland, anyway.

If you’re one of the folks asking me why I come home so often, there’s your answer. I breathe easier here. The sky is higher. The air is fresher. The water is bluer, colder, cleaner, and more fun. The mountains are bigger. The bonds with my friends and family is stronger. My heart just clicks along here; in Portland, it sort of sighs and says “Do I have to?” between each beat. That’s not how I want to live, and it’s not how I live when I’m in my hometown with my family and its newest, half-Filipino member.

Continuing with the “gag-vomit-gag-please-stop-the-lovey-dovey-assault-on-me” post, I want to also reflect on one of the most exciting and lovely aspects of our relationship. This is the fact that every day is a big, bold, bright adventure. It’s not the kind of relationship where we veg out and watch TV (though we have done so before), I feel like we are constantly out doing something. They don’t have to be huge things; in the past two months we’ve had four beach days (Camano Island, WA; Sandy River, OR; Jetty Island twice) which never involves much more than buying or packing some sort of food, maybe a couple beers, putting on our swim suits and driving off to wherever we’re going. But once we get there, everything is just so much fun. Yesterday, we took my sister and a friend to the Jetty. We all got out there and swam around, avoiding being snapped by crabs, throwing seaweed, and digging for sand shrimp. I ride my bike so much more when I’m at home, and I love riding with him. I have a new goal to complete all 25 trails featured in a Snohomish County brochure in the next year (September to September) and Ian is on board to do that with me. He plays piano and I sing. Even running dumb errands is a fun adventure. Maybe the above paragraph isn’t out of the ordinary, maybe average people do fun things with their significant others all the time, maybe finding excitement and adventure in the mundane tasks of everyday life is what being in love is all about.

Anyway, I have to go meet a certain handsome cyclist at the Seattle-to-Portland finish line this evening, so I have a pretty busy day ahead.
Cheers!

7/14 On etiquette

I don’t mean to be a total pill, but lately I have been a little disappointed by my fellow man. Before I get going on this little rant I need to issue a disclaimer: etiquette is never meant to cause embarrassment, uncomfortable, or awkward situations. In fact, that is precisely what etiquette is designed not to do. If everyone followed a general rule of “be polite” and lived by the bible of Miss Manners, everything would flow so smoothly. But we don’t live in a perfectly idyllic world (I think it’s worth noting that neither did Miss Manners). So perhaps I am fracturing an important rule of etiquette by writing this. Sorry. Hopefully by not calling anyone out directly this can just serve as a little reminder.

Recently I have noticed a general, severe lack of “thank you”. I noticed it today, on Facebook, as I glanced at a photo of an acquaintance and saw 15 comments complimenting her on her new haircut and general beauty. I noticed it the past couple weeks, as I’ve reached out to some of my favorite not-famous-enough-yet-to-ignore-fans quasi-celebrities. I’ve noticed it with friends, with clerks, and even sometimes with family.

And… it makes me feel bad! I know you’re never supposed to give a gift with any expectations. And I suppose for the sake of argument a compliment could be equated to a gift. But dang it, it’s polite! It also shows a level of humanity, kindness, and appreciation on your part — three adjectives that we should all strive for! Perhaps the issue is that these individuals don’t know how to accept a compliment. Here are some guidelines:

1. Always accept a compliment. It’s in very poor form to deny the compliment. Avoid any responses like this: “Oh, these shoes? I hate these shoes, they were only $10 and they feel like it!” (not only is this response “word vomit”, but you’re denying a compliment, which is quite rude).
2. Smile. Even if all your words escape you, at the very least, for the love of God’s green earth, smile.
3. Say thank you. You really, truly, honestly do not need to say anything more than that. “Thank you.” You can add an exclamation point at the end if you are feeling especially peppy, or a “so much!”

In a ultra polite world, you would have something to compliment in return. But don’t scramble for something and end up lying through your teeth — compliments should be genuine. Why is this important? Relevant? Look, everyone likes to be complimented. It makes people feel good. Most people walk through life feeling uncomfortably aware of their surroundings, in a constant state of fear, anxious about a multitude of things. Complimenting those people gives them a reason to relax. The best compliments have nothing to do with outward appearance (way too much emphasis placed there in 2010 culture), but if you’re just at the grocery store and the woman in front of you has a particularly nice haircut, great pair of driving shoes, or some really cute sunglasses: tell her!

Back to the guidelines: remember a second ago, how good it felt when your raggedy, $10 shoes were complimented? Throw it back. Share the love:

4. If she happens to be wearing an especially beautiful scarf, let her know! “Oh thank you! I really love your scarf. That orange really brings out your eyes!”

Small steps, people. Being a nice, friendly person doesn’t mean you lose any integrity, hard work, or chutzpa. You can be a force to reckon with and still polite. In fact, that’s how most powerful people got to where they are today. Be polite! Say thank you!

Cheers.

7/11 On ice cream and extra weight

My favorite food is ice cream. For those of you who don’t know me, and those of you who do and simply want to hear me say it, I am a plus sized girl. It’s not socially acceptable for my favorite food to be a sweet, sugary, high-calorie dessert but (sorry, mom!) it totally is. My favorite food is ice cream. It’s cold and perfectly refreshing on hot summer days. It comes in a myriad of varied, amazing flavors, textures, ingredients, and combinations. You can customize it a million different ways. It’s very accessible. And, when it’s quality made, there is nothing better than a thick, creamy scoop of sweet tasting ice cream.

What bothers me is the fact that ice cream is taboo for me simply because of my size. What bothers me is that people who don’t know me, the assorted “haters” I’ve accumulated offline and IRL, and even those nearest and dearest to me have this unintentional, momentary, conditioned mini-cringe (or, in the case of a select few socially inept and those who truly despise me, a full on death glare) when they see me, or another plus sized individual, indulge in a similar treat. I mean, if you’re any “normal” judgemental human who functions daily in society you probably had some variation of the thought, “Ice cream would be her favorite food.” when you read the above. Ultimately, though… what does that have to do with your life? “Make me feel tiny if it makes you feel tall” and all that, but is that really the means you want to take to feel tall?

I’m not going to go down a size-acceptance movement tangent. I don’t think that’s necessary, and if you want more resources about that Google can help you find all the information you could possibly need. I want to be healthier, I want to lose weight, but I also need to love myself in the meantime. If I don’t, if you don’t, no matter what we do to improve our personal appearance we will always have insecurities and a lack of confidence hanging around above us. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want that.

So in the meantime, as I progressively get healthier and continue to lose weight, I’m working on loving ME. And it’s not all about physicality! I can’t find the statistic offhand, but I recently read that an overwhelming number of boys list their talents as strengths while girls list physical attributes. This is wrong! When I’m walking down the street with my ice cream cone, I don’t want my singular identity to be “a fat girl who likes ice cream, probably lacks self control and isn’t happy.” That’s not true! (Okay, well, I do have issues with self control — but that’s with any arena of my life. Hey, at least I’m honest. And consistent). I am a proficient writer, adventurous spirit, good friend, great swimmer, super communicator, world traveller, and emotionally sound. I’m much, much more than the number that comes up when I step on the scale.

So don’t shortchange me. I’ll work on not shortchanging you. It’s a lifelong lesson but one that I think we could all benefit from. Meanwhile, I’ll be eating ice cream.

7/10 50 Book Challenge

Last year, in 2009, I took up the 50 Book Challenge. I don’t think I implemented it January 1st, which is probably why I only got to 17 books.

Here is the list of books I read in ’09:

1. The Mermaid Chair, Sue Monk Kidd
2. Revolutionary Road
3. The Second Summer of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
4. The Third Summer of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
5. Flapper: A Madcap Story of…
6. A Lost Lady
7. Winesburg, Ohio
8. Stori Telling
9. Mommywood
10: Shanghai Girls: A Novel
11. Fit For Life
12. My Horizontal Life
13: Water for Elephants
14: Chasing Harry Winston
15: The Stand
15: Eat Pray Love
16: Kick Me: Adventures in Adolescence
17: Paper Towns

If you need any book suggestions, drop me a note! I’m happy to elaborate on any of these books or toss out new recommendations.

Meanwhile, I’m going to attempt a 25 book challenge for the remainder of 2010. Here are the books I have read so far this year:

1: Undomestic Goddess
2: Such a Pretty Fat
3: My Booky Wook
4: Urban Farm
5: My Life in Paris

Oof, I’ve got to reorder my Kindle so I can keep going!

Also, just in case you didn’t know, one of the great non-perks of living downtown is the opportunity to sunbathe in the middle of a park in your swim suit. It’s simply too gorgeous outside to study in my dark, basement, studio apartment so I took my books and a picnic blanket outside. I’ve never felt more exposed in my life, but I’m working on this whole not-caring-what-other-people-think thing, so it was a good lesson in that.

Also also, if you ever need me to do something for you… say, give your grandfather a sponge bath, clean your house top to bottom, wash your car, cut your toenails, you know, regular friend stuff: give me a homework assignment first. I swear to god I would rather shave all of the contestants in some backwoods hairy man contest than read about late imperial China on a hot summer Saturday. Oof.

7/10 Summertime girls are the kind I like, steal your honey like I stole your bike.

I uploaded a ton of pictures to my Facebook yesterday, including the picture above.
I’m taking 22 credits this summer, so my weekdays have been pretty full (I have class from 10:30-6pm MTW and on Thursday, from 10:30-10pm with few, short breaks) but I have Fridays off and the weather has been so absolutely perfect the past couple of weeks that it hasn’t felt too much like a punishment. It also helps that I love all the classes I’m taking, I suppose.

I was home last weekend for the Fourth of July and got to spend some great quality time with my family, the love of my life, and my hometown. I won’t be going home again until weekend after next. And then I should really stay down here until I actually make the move home! I’m so excited.

So far this summer, despite my hellacious school schedule, I have managed to have some really fun adventures! Last night Sadie and Dave drove out to Canon Beach with me. It was everyones first time at Canon Beach. We had so much fun wading in the tide, looking for shells — I even found some little sand crab guys, but a species I’ve never seen in my lifetime of beach combing. We got pizza at this little place by the water and stopped for Dairy Queen ice cream cones on the way back.

Last weekend Ian and I went out to Jetty Island, got chicken and pasta salad and some lemonade and had a picnic on the beach. We dug up sand shrimp and fed them to the seagulls. We both swam around a little bit and then suntanned on the beach. He played his ukulele and I took pictures. We had a barbecue the next night, Ian grilled some delicious sausage I bought and I made my (now officially signature) tomato and cucumber salad. A couple of his friends came over, it was really nice and chill. Exactly how summer Saturday nights are supposed to be. And on the Fourth, we went over to my neighbor and family friends’ backyard and set up shop: laid down a blanket, had the iPod at the ready (though we didn’t end up using it), our cameras, and a bunch of water to watch the fireworks. It was the best Fourth of July fireworks display I’ve ever seen, it was like a private show just for us.

A couple weeks ago Ian and Adrian and I went out to our beach house and swam and played. Ian built a fire, we all swam out to the buoy (okay, Adrian kind of dragged me along, but whatever) and everyone took turns reading to me from the book I was reading (in a British accent, no less).

And even in Portland where I have felt the most alone in my entire existence, battled some of the darkest and scariest demons I’ve ever faced, and really didn’t feel like I’d ever be okay again, I have had some really great times this summer. Going to the coast with Sadie and Dave, Hillary taking me to a friends barbecue on Tuesday, 9:45 trips to ice cream shops that close at 10 and subsequently winding up at Sherry’s by the airport with the aforementioned gang of great kids, driving down to Portland with Rachel and her friend Kelsey.

It’s been a great summer so far, and it’s going to be a wonderful five weeks until I move, and then it’s going to be just blissful until the end of September rolls around and I’m back in classes once again.

Cheers!